April. My month of a lifetime of memories

My little cousins crashed the neighbor’s Easter egg hunt. I tagged along. Played soccer with the neighbor kids and giggled at my little cousins. I smelled like Northern Minnesota. Obviously, I enjoyed it.

I spent the other parts of my Easter weekend with family. Sitting and talking. Laughing and remembering. Hearing stories I’ve never heard. Telling stories I love to tell. Watching and talking hockey. Shopping in a local shop I love.

I visited my Grandma in the care center on Friday. Just for a little bit while she ate her unappetizing carrots and meatballs with questionable colors and items stuffed into them. Unfortunately, a flu virus broke out in the care center and millions and billions of tiny germs kept us from visiting again – especially my mom who cannot subject her immune system to influenza since cancer and chemo completely wiped her cells cleaner than a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.

My weekend was a bit of surprise to me. See, I’m not a big fan of the month of April. I see it as a month to endure. Yes, there is college hockey (ending) and NHL Playoff hockey (beginning), but that hardly helps in my case.

April 1992. That was a long time ago. 20 years to be exact. But I remember the month. I was in Kindergarten. And had spent most of my days out of school. Up North. Because of cancer and chemo. My Grandpa’s (maternal). He had battled it for a long time. Suffered through tough rounds of chemo. Lost lots of weight and hair. But never lost his smile. I remember seeing that smile many times. And for whatever reason, maybe because I needed those memories to carry with me for a lifetime, I remember. I remember a lot of things from my year as a Kindergartener. None of them related to school.

The day my grandpa died was a grey, cold April day. A day that has come and gone for 20 years. A day that is marked on my calendar. This week.

I remember being confused. Trying to figure out all the conversations buzzing around me. Watching the cues from my cousins. Seeing people crying. I stood by the front door and watched two of my cousins make their way into the house. I turned around to see relatives consoling one another. It had been a long haul. Those months of cancer and chemo. There had been time to plan for the inevitable. But the inevitable was still not easy to bear.

The days between my grandpa’s passing and his funeral don’t register in my memory. I’m not sure if I was whisked back to my Kindergarten classroom to try and catch up on my ABC’s and 123′s or if I stayed Up North with cousins and family. We were spread out at the time, but not nearly as scattered as we are today. So, in a way, that was a good thing. We were all there. Together.

During the funeral, I remember sitting next to my mom and Cousin S (Cousin B’s older sister). When the casket was taken out of the church, I remember watching everyone cry. And I wanted to cry. So, I faked it. Somewhere in my mind, I told myself that I needed to look sad and act the part. Everyone was sad. And I needed to be, too.

The thing is, in the 20 years since that day, I have cried real tears. For 20 years, I was grandfatherless on my mom’s side of the family. Too young to remember memories from before the years of cancer and chemo. I’m fairly certain I’ve experienced the green monster of jealousy over the fact that I don’t remember much prior to my Kindergarten days in the hospital with my grandpa.

But even though I can’t recall specific moments and events before 1991/1992, I do know that my grandpa loved me. And my grandma carried that love on for the next 15 years for him. For all of us.

When she passed away in August of 2007, I was much further along in life. About to enter my senior year of college. My days with grandma had been many. My memories of birthdays and Christmases were plentiful. Yet, that still did not prepare me for the void I’d feel when she was gone. Since that day, every time I think of Up North, I think of her. I can’t help it. For 15 years after my grandpa died, I knew that there was still someone in that house who loved me. Someone who was there waiting for me. And when she died and the house was sold to someone else who doesn’t love me, it was a loss I didn’t know I’d miss.

My grandma would be 88 years old today. We’d probably have celebrated her birthday this past weekend. Cards and candles. Gifts and gift cards. Phone calls and greetings. She’d have sat in her chair. I would have opened up her gifts; helping her arthritic fingers tear the paper open to unveil presents of soft pink pajamas and sweaters from Nordstrom. And I can hear her telling us, “How nice. Oh, that’s lovely. But this is too much.”

It always was too much for her. But for us, it was never enough. To convey our love and appreciation for her. The head of the family for 15 years.

And my maternal grandma wasn’t alone in the April celebrations. My remaining grandparent – my paternal grandmother – is celebrating her 94th birthday tomorrow. Sick with the flu. Stuck in a nursing home.

Back when my grandpa was around, 7 years ago, we would have celebrated Easter and birthday at their house. Baked her a cake. She would have opened her gifts in the living room. Family gathered around. My grandpa would have some gift for her – a card and something special. Again, it would have been “too much.” Gifts from out West and East and phone calls from Chicago and Boston would have rang throughout the house. I can hear her on the phone, telling my cousins what she was doing. Laughing her little laugh.

I saw glimpses of her smile in the care center. Listened for a sign of her laugh. Wanted so badly to hear her tell a story. Use a full sentence. She didn’t. But I know she would. If she could.

She’s still here. Head of the family for 7 years. Her time after my grandpa has been different than we expected or hoped. But it has been time.

7 years. 5 years. 20 years. And now.

Years and moments I will always remember. Especially this month. Always on these days.

Crashing Easter Egg hunts and playing soccer outside. Those are new April memories. There may not be birthdays and Grandparents, but we are still here. Still a family. Minus our grandparents.

And though they left us with April – a month of nostalgic memories and sad tears – they left us with each other so that when these Aprils roll around year after year, we’d have each other. To make new memories with. Not to replace the old April memories, but to make them less painful.

 

Golden Gopher Rachael Bona sits down with MN Meditations

Golden Gopher Rachael Bona #15

This is no April Fool’s, people. Rachael Bona, a member of the Minnesota Golden Gopher Women’s hockey team – the team that just won the National Championship – agreed to meet with me on April 1. After some Facebook messages and texts, we landed on Sunday afternoon. Evenings are busy for Rach, and with the Men’s Frozen Four approaching, neither of us wanted to schedule our meeting for Thursday night!

We met on the campus of the University of Minnesota at the Starbucks on Washington Avenue – a mass of construction and chaos. When I arrived, a few minutes late due to lack of parking, Rachael was waiting outside at one of the tables, “tanning.”  We hugged and said our hello’s as we walked into the stuffy Starbucks (apparently no AC, yet) and ordered our cold drinks. The lack of air flow indoors sent us right back outside to a table in the sun!

After catching up a bit on life, lamenting about the lack of parking and the crazy mess of Washington Avenue, reminiscing on memories from our younger years, we eased into a casual interview conversation. With her quick smile and easy laugh, Rachael sipped on her iced drink and crunched on ice chips while filling me in on life as a Golden Gopher.

 MN: SO! National Champion! Has it sunk in?

RB: Not really! Kind of…I guess. We’ve been really busy doing a lot of events. We went to the Capitol. Sarah Erickson, our Captain, got to lead the whole floor in the Pledge of Allegiance. We (the rest of the team) sat really far up and watched! Went to a WILD Game so we were on the big screen. Some of my friends said they saw me on TV. Got some air time! We went to the Governor’s Mansion. And he let us go into rooms that people hadn’t been in for like 20 years. Like private family rooms. We might get to go to the White House, we’re not sure. I hope we can! That’s what I’m looking forward to the most. I guess Obama didn’t invite Wisconsin last year though, which I didn’t know that, I thought they had gone. Some people said that maybe we will get to go this year because it’s an election year and there’s some girl who went to the U who works at the White House or something, so she might be able to get us in. If we do get invited, I guess Obama’s people will just call us up and give us a date and we HAVE to go on that date. There’s no rescheduling!

MN: As a freshman, did you ever think you’d be part of a National Championship team your first year?

RB: It’s unreal that I won my freshman year and we won the WCHA Championship, too. It’s been 7 years since that’s happened – either of those. I have high expectations for the rest of my seasons here! The seniors said don’t expect it to happen every year! I came here (to the U) to win a National Championship and I did that.

MN: Was there a point in the season where you thought, this is it – we’re going all the way?

RB: Wisconsin’s really good. But, toward the end of the season I knew we were going to win. After we won the WCHA Championship, I knew we were going to go all the way. I just didn’t doubt it.

MN: Now, I know you’re not one to get super nervous before games, BUT…after you beat UND at Ridder in the Quarterfinals, did any nerves creep in knowing that you’d be heading back up to Duluth, most likely facing Wisconsin?

RB: When we played Cornell and Wisconsin, I didn’t get nervous until we were in the locker room about to go out – after warm-ups and all that, but I’m not really a nervous player. Some players let nerves get to them and I don’t. I was more excited, jittery. I was nervous during the Championship when Wisconsin tied it up – but it was more of a ‘Crap! We just blew a 2-0 lead.’

MN: What was it like to play in a border battle for the National Championship? What was your biggest challenge in playing Wisconsin?

RB: I expected it to end that way. We beat them twice during the regular season and I knew it was going to be the ultimate game right there. Wisconsin has a lot of good players. Coach Frost says that with Wisconsin it’s always a race to three – whoever gets to three points first. That’s the way our regular season games had gone against them. We played them at the beginning of the season and we lost 3-2, won 3-2. Played them in January and had a 3-3 tie and won 1-0. We knew we had to get on them right away. Both teams have great goalies. Wisconsin has this ultimate first line. They take one of their second line girls and move her up to the first line and *phew* they are good. Nora played unreal for us!

MN: Next year – sophomore year – how are you going to top freshman year?!

RB: Repeat! 2 time National Champion! I would like to win the regular season.  I mean, we won the WCHA Championship, but we didn’t win the regular season.Wisconsin won the regular season.

MN: Right, so you were opposite of the men’s team – they won their regular season and lost their championship.

RB: Right. Yeah, so that’s the one thing I haven’t done!

MN: How did playing on a National Championship team compare to playing on US Women’s National teams? If you can even compare the two…

RB: They are a lot different! USA hockey – it’s a lot of individuals. Everyone is the best from their team. There aren’t the bonds like you have with your team. Communication is easier on your own team. Like on the US teams, no one really says, ‘Oh, you need to do this or that for the next game.’ But on my team, teammates will tell you what you need to do. The leadership is different. When I played U18, we were all so young. But here, there are seniors who have been through this before. Sarah Erickson is amazing.

MN: What would you say to young girls, U10 or U14, who just watched you win a National Championship and want to make it to the D1 level?

RB: Keep working hard. People are getting so much better. You have to keep going. Work hard. There’s some really talented young kids, but if you don’t keep working hard, someone else will pass you. Pick a college where you know you’ll be happy. It’s just a gut feeling. You’ll know it’s the right place. I knew I wanted to come here; no other place. I just had that feeling.

MN: As a kid, what Gopher players did you look up to?

RB: Krissy Wendell. I remember going to a game with my dad and just watching Krissy. I don’t know, maybe that’s why I chose #7 (in high school). I don’t know where it came from – either Krissy or because the Disney Channel was channel 7. I’m not sure! Yeah, Krissy and Natalie Darwitz.

MN: Have you met either of them?

RB: I met Natalie when I toured. She gave me my tour because she was still the assistant coach. I missed her by a year! I haven’t met Krissy, but I guess her little sister played against me in high school. And her parents saw my brother once and said that she (Krissy’s sister) thought I was a great high school player!

MN: Oh, yeah. I know Kara and told her I knew you. She was like, ‘You KNOW her?! She’s a stud!’ So, you have a fan in Krissy’s sister!

RB: *Laughs and smiles

MN: Growing up, did you always want to play college hockey?

RB: Yeah. I always knew I was going to play college hockey. It’s a big reason why I quit soccer. I knew I had a future in hockey. And I didn’t want to get hurt playing soccer.

MN: You played other sports growing up. Do you think that made you a better hockey player?

RB: Yes. I do think it’s good for kids to play multiple sports. It helps you become more well rounded. If I had played just hockey and not tried anything else, I would have been bored. I liked having soccer in the fall and then hockey. I played softball one year and golf, too. Just to do something different.

MN: What are some skills you personally want to work on this off-season?

RB: I need to get stronger. I’m a lot stronger because of my work last summer, but I need to get stronger. I need to work on getting a better shot. It’s so hard to get a goal against goalies in college hockey. And I need to capitalize on scoring opportunities. I had so many chances, especially at the end of the season.

MN: Right! Like in the UND game!

RB: I KNOW! Seriously. Yeah, I need to be making those.

MN: This is a big week for the men’s team. Do you have any advice for the guys as they face BC?

RB: Oh! I don’t know! They better come out to play! Like our team, none of them have been to where they are now. They are well-prepared. They’re a very good team.

MN: How sweet if you both won National Championships in the same year!

RB: They’d take all our glory!

MN: Ha! People would be like, ‘What Women’s team?!’

RB: Seriously. When I tell people I play for the Gophers, they’re like, ‘Oh, so you play at Mariucci.’ No! They don’t even know we have our own rink!

MN: Well, so many women’s teams share with the men’s teams…But still!

RB: Yeah, it would be sweet though if they (men’s team) won. I hope they win!

MN: You’d for sure have to go to the White House!

RB: Yes!

The interview faded into regular conversation as we finished off our Starbucks and walked back toward the Aquatics Center where Rachael parked her scooter and I parked my car. Rachael’s wit and sarcasm at all the right moments, along with her upbeat chatter on life as a typical college student, procrastinating on homework and scooting around campus on her scooter, was an excellent way to spend a Sunday afternoon. We parted ways with a hug and Rachael said I could interview her any time, as long as Starbucks was involved! MN Meditations will definitely check in again with Rachael.

Looking forward to watching more great Gopher Women’s hockey! And GOOD LUCK to the Gopher men as they take on BC in Tampa this Thursday night!

________________________________________________________________-

Get to know Rachael Bona!

Food you couldn’t live without:
RB: Bakery stuff. Like donuts! * laughs!
MN: The stuff you shouldn’t eat.
RB: Yeah! The donuts, cinnamon rolls…all that yummy stuff.

When “Domino” comes on, you turn up the volume. RB: It’s our team song! We play it in the locker room and everyone loves it. We just jam out!

Favorite movie:
RB: Right now, The Hunger Games! Some of the girls from the team went at midnight! We brought our trophy.
On her phone Rachael has a picture of the trophy...”We gave it a Katniss braid!”

Favorite hockey player:
RB: Sidney Crosby. Pretty cliché, but he’s frickin’ good!

If you could meet any hockey player (dead or alive) who would it be?
RB: Tyler Seguin. Yep. Or Crosby.

If you could pick players (pro, Olympian) to play with you on a DREAM line, who would they be?
RB: Oooh. Um. Well, again. *laughs* Crosby would center me and Tyler Seguin! I'd probably still be on the other end of the rink...
MN: Would you any have D?
RB: Do I have to pick D? I don’t pay attention to the D.
MN: So, it would be 3 on 3?
RB: Yeah! I don’t know who is good at D! No D!

Upcoming posts you won’t want to miss

I’m returning to my regularly scheduled posts. Cancer and chemo took over my family’s life; featured on this blog. If you recall, I was on a break from blogging back in October. And then came cancer.

So, I wrote about those hard times. Here. For anybody to read. I still have words to ponder and publish on this site. I can’t just forget what my life has been like since October. Thoughts will linger and new experiences will be blog-worthy.

For now though, I am focusing on not only my real life (and now that I finished The Hunger Games I can go through a day without interrupted Tribute thoughts) but on some real life stories of people I know you’ll love.

Facebook messages have been exchanged. Texts have been sent. One date is set, another in the works.
I’m interviewing two incredible women. Different women with different stories and experiences.

You won’t want to miss these interviews. Bear with me as I transition back into my blogging groove. And be sure to check back in a couple weeks (give or take) for some health tips and stories!

Ta-Ta’s are being saved today

Crude is not my style. So, I mean no disrespect when I use the popularized term, “Ta-Ta’s.” But I’ve learned lately not to dance around issues. To say things straight. And today, Ta-Ta’s are being saved.

Saved from the cancer that has taken up residence in their precious space.

Doctors, nurses, and other hospital personnel have paraded in and out of waiting rooms, rooms I have sat in since 9a, asking my mom various and sundry questions.

They’ve checked her wrist band, blood pressure, and breast.

Because she’s here today to go through a procedure that is a necessary evil in today’s world of cancer and chemo. And I’m here, too. Moving from waiting room to waiting room. Waiting. Waiting for the day when cancer and chemo won’t be part of my Urban Dictionary.

Ironically, a dear friend is waiting, too. Her mom’s cancer and chemo journey has been a bit different from my mom’s. Her procedures and treatments occurred in opposite order from my mom’s. Yet, she is here. Somewhere in this busy hospital. She is most-likely in post-op; my mom is preparing for pre-op. Their journey’s with breast cancer, like their time in the hospital today, is not the same charted course. No two courses are alike in this “Save the Ta-Ta’s” race we run.

This friend has been a source of comfort and encouragement. We’ve updated our mom’s (connected because of Cousin B’s mom) on the mile markers the other woman has reached. In the midst of hockey updates, we always remember our main fight is not over the Fighting Sioux and Gophers; rather, it is with cancer and chemo. Even on such a big week in the WCHA, we remove our rivalry masks and put on our cancer and chemo hats because this fight is much, much bigger than pairwise rankings and titles.

Whether my Sioux friend and I talk about it or not, we are part of a growing demographic of people – men, women, and children – who are working hard to save something most people are either uncomfortable or too comfortable discussing: Ta-Ta’s.

We’re saving Ta-Ta’s today. Will you join us in our save the Ta-Ta’s efforts?

_____________________________________________________

I ask. You answer.

1. Have you ever journeyed with a friend or foe on the cancer and chemo track?
   
2. What causes have you fought for that some may find to be uncomfortable topics or body parts?
3. What is the best way to get involved in saving the Ta-Ta’s?