Post-Christmas thoughts are hard for me to wade through. Always have been. [I’m assuming] Aways will be.
Knowing this about myself, I try to prepare for the feelings and funks I know I’ll struggle through. This year was no different.
Chastising myself for not being the typical over-achiever I know myself to be, I sit here.
I justify. I’m unwinding from a crazy December.
Who am I kidding? Crazy came to town at the end of September and hasn’t left yet.
Between the Cancer and Chemo, a trip to Norway, a busy-as-a-bee-end-t0-the-year at work, and celebrating Christmas, I am beat.
Rightfully so, I sit here. Trying not to do anything.
I loathe laziness.
Yet, I purposely took off time from work to do nothing but sit here. That and I had PTO burning a hole in my pocket. And I like to pretend that I’m still in college with all the perks of Christmas break.
So, I got my wish, er, my PTO was accepted.
And now I’m stuck. Sitting here.
Trying to relax. Trying to enjoy.
But all I can think about is how much I have to do.
The laundrying. The cleaning. The de-Christmasing. The Christmas thank you-ing. The facebook updating. The LinkedIn-ing. The Shutterfly photo booking. The magazine and book reading. The erranding.The car oil changing. The check book balancing. The blogging. The running and exercising.
It is the list that goes on and on, like the song that never ends.
It is a list that can’t be stopped or ignored.
A list I had to conquer bit by bit on Monday and Tuesday. A list that needs to be tackled tomorrow.
Because as much as I want to just sit here. Doing nothing. I can’t.
I just can’t pull myself together to do nothing.
I can’t watch the clock tick. I can’t watch my time slip from my finger tips.
Besides all the things I must do, there is one thing I should do. It is a must, in my mind, but is trumped by life’s necessary “to do’s.” It is something I have done before, over breaks and vacations. Passionate about this area of my life hardly shows in my real life – my “to do list” life I lead – because only a handful of people know about it. And I haven’t spoken of it since August. It is not a topic I venture into on a regular basis. Definitely not a piece of me that I reveal.
This is not the part where I confess that I am a spy.
No, it is something far less exciting. For you, maybe.
But for me, it is the world. My world.
More like a voice. A voice I must let out. A voice that needs to meet the page.
A person who has much to say; who lives and breathes a full life. Someone I think about every single day. Someone I met almost four years ago when she entered my life and wouldn’t leave.
Unlike the crazy who showed up at my doorstep in October and hasn’t packed her bags yet, I arms-wide-open-welcome this visitor.
I don’t know how long she’ll stay, or if she’ll ever venture into the world. I don’t know if she’ll be welcome in your home. I don’t know if her story will make you as happy and frustrated as it has made me.
Because I just don’t know if I’ll have time. For something I care so much about, you’d think I’d have more giddy-up in my step. More urgency.
The thing is, I’ve had the urgency before. And I still have it.
But Cancer and Chemo, career, and life pull me further and further away from her voice in my head and my heart.
Sitting here, I try to be still. Wanting there, wherever or whatever there may be, I know I cannot.
Who knows what I’ll accomplish on my Christmas break “to-do” list before January hits with a blizzard of more “to-do’s NOW.” Who knows how much of her voice will squeak out before January or at all.
All I know is that I’m sitting here.
Sitting here. Wanting there.
Rock. Hard place.
I ask. You answer.
- How do you do it? Do you sit here? or do you want there?
- What does it take to get you to put the “to-do” list away?
- What do you regret not “getting done” on your “to-do” list?
- Do you have things you must do but can’t do due to time, family, life, career, and oil changes?
- Any advice for me as I sift through my lists and longings?