I have possibly posted on this topic in the past. Laziness is preventing me from searching my own blog archives and fact checking. I may possibly plagiarize myself. I once read that is taboo.
I’m not concerned.
Confused and curious, yes. Concerned, not in the least.
See, I find myself trying to level out my life. Sometimes I’m close to level. Most of the time, I’m way off. Unable to nail anything down. Fearful of how crooked everything looks and feels.
Slowly, I have come to realize that life is not level.
It’s not something that will ever balance out.
The harder I try, the louder I cry, this life I’m living will not stay perfectly still. I’ll always be on one end of the see saw.
Whenever I’m at the bottom, waiting for something to lift me up, I wish I could never touch ground again. Whenever I’m at the top, catching my breath and hoping I don’t fall, I wish I could just come down to earth.
This makes me sound picky. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m just never happy. Although, I’m certain that is a false statement. I have been very happy on both ends of the spectrum. It just never really sticks.
Who says life has to be even Steven? Is it something I read somewhere? Some psycho babble I heard on a talk show, read in a magazine, or studied in a college class? Did I say this? Did I create this monster? Like a little kid who wants to be held and put down, held and put down, held and put down. Am I that kid? When did I mount this balance beam I am attempting so hard not to bobble on? Are there actual judges judging me?
I find myself conversing with friends over the same topic: balance.
Balancing out friends, finding new friends, working, taking care of myself, being an introvert, networking, writing, etc.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother.
But then I’m bothered by my lack of balance and I seek to set everything straight and get all my ducks in a row.
It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It’s exciting.
But didn’t I already say that life will never balance out? Don’t I already know this fact?
I know there’s a plan and purpose. I know I’m on a path. I know that I have the ultimate peace. That helps. I cling to that hope. It’s tough though, in this world that pulls and tugs in all directions, to keep fully focused on those promises.
Really though, it is the only thing that keeps me from falling off the teeter totter.